Lately, I’ve gotten a bit fat. There’s really no polite way to put it. I have excuses, to be sure. I recently moved not only to a new apartment, but to a new country. I can’t read the language in said country, so I don’t know what to eat. Also, they don’t have veggie burgers here.
More to the point, I have spent the last three months eating packages of chips at a time, blindly consuming unidentified meat products, and washing it all down with a bottle of wine a night. Is anyone really that surprised I’ve gotten chunky?
And yet… I have the closet of the skinny person. While I, like all of us, fluctuate in my weight and pants size, I am only inclined to go shopping when I feel (and am) thin. My rational during such lean times (pun intended) is as follows:
1) I ought to always be this thin! This will give me motivation to stay this way forever!
2) I’m so thin, I look good in everything! Let’s buy it!
The consequences here are, of course, that every time I put on a few extra lbs., I have absolutely nothing to wear.
You know the warning signs. You feel it just a touch around the crotch and butt of your jeans when they start to feel just a bit small. Then there’s the shortening of the sweater… how did a sweater that used to sit adorably on my mid-drift mysteriously rise above it? And finally, the dreaded muffin top. I am ashamed I have let myself reach this point. But standing in front of the mirror donning a pair of pants that still fit (I swear!) and a long sweater, there was the hint of, sigh, extra. And no, in the world of getting dressed, more is never, NEVER better (unless it’s layers or subtly placed embellishment).
So what’s a girl to do. The first thing, as noted above, is LAYER. Layer the shit out of whatever base outfit you’ve squeezed yourself into. No one will notice the love handles if you’ve got a blazer on (no, the blazer does not have to close).
Sweater floating somewhere below your boobs? Put a button down, collared shirt under it. Embrace your inner preppy and go with it, even if it’s something you would normally never do. It’s a cute look which serves a dual purpose: no one will notice the short sweater because of the button-down sticking out from underneath, and no one will notice how tight the buttons pull because of the sweater on top.
Finally, let us say a word of thanks and praise for the baby-doll, or empire wasted, cotton sundress. Winter though it may be, throw on a pairs of leggings, a t-shirt or long sleeve t underneath, and a tailored cardigan or blazer on top. You’re done. Fat concealed, cuteness attained, and bonus points if you add a fantastic pair of boots. (Long necklaces also encouraged).
The key, my friends, is distraction, subtlety, and the prayer that you’ll have yourself together in a few months. Summer is mere moments away, and Lord knows it takes twice as long to undo what we have donneth unto ourselves.
